Mummy: “Why are you sitting on him? Can you get OFF him please…..we do NOT sit on each other, do we? You’re too heavy – if you hurt him, we’d all have to go to the hospital.
Yes, you can have some art straws for your puppet show. I’ll go and get them for you in a minute. You shouldn’t be sitting on the table though. Now, have you been to the toilet?
No, you can’t have the green train at the moment, you’ll have to wait for your brother to finish with it. No, we do not snatch. No, I am not going to snatch it for you. Get off him, get OFF…..we do not fight. You’ll have to just take it in turns to play with the green train. Shall I set the stopwatch? Right, I’ll set the stopwatch.
Art straws? Yes, hold on I just need to set the stopwatch for the boys.
Why are you still not dressed? ……. Well I’m sorry but those are your pants for today, your digger ones are in the wash. No, I don’t have any more digger ones, it really doesn’t matter whether you have stripy pants or digger pants. Yes, they really are in the wash. Ok, have a look if you must….Right, just go and have a sit and calm down in the other room. This is totally unnecessary over a pair of pants. Could you put that back please? No, put it back….we’re not having snacks right now. I said no, you’ve only just had breakfast. Please put it back.
Yes, yes, I did get those straws for you. I need to find where I’ve put them……No, I’m really sorry sweetheart but I can’t find them right at this moment. I am trying to pack the picnic and get us ready to go out as well you see poppet. You need a curtain? Right, well I’m sure we could make a little curtain or something for you. Go and practise your puppet show and then I’ll come and watch. Yes, I will come and watch in 5 minutes I just can’t come right now.
What is going on up there? Give him his puppet back please. No, get your hands off him and give him his puppet back. This is HIS puppet show. No, you can do your puppet show afterwards, let’s watch this one first. Stop screaming please, just calm yourself down and watch the puppet show. OK, well go and do yours over there then but I’m watching this one.
Why are you STILL not dressed? Well when I say it’s time to go, it will be time to go whether you’re dressed or not, ok?
Now, I need to go and finish getting our things packed up. Do you think you can play nicely for 5 minutes please so that we can actually go out?
What’s happened now? Well I’m sorry he’s nearly finished the puzzle without you. Let him finish it off and then you can do it. No, I can’t play Buckaroo right now, we’re about to go out. Do you actually want to go out? Well why are you still in your pants then? Have you been to the toilet? Oh dear, I’m sorry your willy is hurting – go and do a wee then it’ll probably feel better.
I’m going to hang up this washing and then I need everyone to be ready please. Could you put those pegs down, please. They’re not for playing with. Thank you. No……I’ve told you before, NO water pistols in the house.
Come on then everyone, let’s get our shoes on please and stand by the door.”
Boy (hysterical): “BUT I’VE STILL ONLY GOT MY PANTS ON!!!”
And this is why a) we are always late and b) mummy always looks slightly hysterical once she has finally managed to get herself and three little boys out of the house.