It’s all pretty complicated out there at the moment, isn’t it?
I feel that what we really need in this new post-Referendum landscape, is a special one-off Peppa Pig to explain it all to us.
I’m envisaging the following:
Captain Daddy Dog / David Cameron: It’s all gone wrong for Captain Daddy Dog. He opened a crucial decision with enormous ramifications up to a public vote. He never thought the other team would win, so he didn’t bother preparing for this eventuality.
But then the other team did win.
After his last trip around the world Captain Daddy Dog had told Mummy Dog that his sailing days were behind him; but he’s not prepared to deal with any of the fall-out from this mess so he’s off around the world again.
“So long everyone!” says Captain Daddy Dog.
Daddy Pig / Boris Johnson: Daddy Pig is bumbling around drumming up support for the other team. He’s quite good at drumming up support because he likes pretending that he’s just like all the other animals, even though he’s not.
Daddy Pig isn’t sure that he actually wants to do what he’s telling everyone he wants to do, or indeed how he would go about doing it in the event of his team winning; but he thinks that taking charge like this will be a good way for him to get a promotion. And everyone has told him there’s no way his team will win anyway.
He talks to the crowds about Independence Day, which they seem to like. Daddy Pig is enjoying himself. Ho ho ho.
But then Daddy Pig’s team does win. No-one is more shocked than Daddy Pig. This means they actually have to do some of the things they’ve told people they’ll do. ‘Where’s the plan?’, everyone is asking. Daddy Pig had started making a rough plan on a piece of paper somewhere, but then he made it into a paper aeroplane and flew it over to Mr Elephant. Who knows where it is now.
Daddy Pig is now feeling a bit panicked. A bit like when he’s supposed to be navigating but then finds he’s holding the map upside down. He decides that he’s done his bit for now and will leave everyone else to clear up the wreckage he has left behind. He’s no longer bothered about his promotion.
Mr Elephant / Michael Gove: Mr Elephant was in the same team as Daddy Pig, but he can’t find Daddy Pig’s paper aeroplane/plan anywhere. Nevertheless, because everything has gone so well, he’d now like to be Prime Minister so he can carry on the good work.
Mr Elephant really needs to get to work on coming up with a plan.
Mr Fox / Nigel Farage: Mr Fox is on the same side as Daddy Pig and Mr Elephant, but because he’s a bit like a dodgy salesman they like to keep him hidden away. Here he is attempting to flog some fake Italian ice-cream to all the children. He tells them how much better his genuine fake ice-cream is than the real Italian ice-cream that the Italian animals are selling just down the road. He tells the children that they should take back control of their borders so that fewer Italian animals can come over and sell real Italian ice-cream.
Mummy Pig / Nicola Sturgeon: NB. For the purpose of this episode only, Mummy Pig IS NOT married to Daddy Pig.
Mummy Pig is taking control of the country in a calm and balanced way. In the space of one weekend, Mummy Pig has met with Mme Gazelle, Monsieur Donkey and Signor Goat to discuss her country’s future; made cookies, played Happy Mrs Chicken; and reassured her people that she will do all she can to turn this catastrophe around.
Mummy Sheep and Mummy Dog look on with admiration and wish that Mummy Pig could take charge of the whole sorry affair.
All the other animals are in the background fighting over who should be doing what next. Apart from Mr Zebra / Tom Watson who is having fun at Glastonbury.
The whole situation is so absurd that everyone falls on their backs laughing.